Thursday, December 24, 2009

Merry Christmas!!!

Many people wonder, "What do SubGeniuses do about Christmas?"  The answer is, "Whatever they wanna do, shuh!"

Of course there is an official SubGenius holiday during this festive time of year, X-istlessnessmess, a movable feast whose date varies according to different sources.  X-istlessnessmess commemorates the mess that is the doleful state of the SubGenii as they endure life on Earth in a state of X-istlessness, still unable to enjoy the X-ist pleasure saucer technology promised by J.R. "Bob" Dobbs for all dues-paying members.  When the X-ist pleasure saucer fleet eventually arrives, this holiday will become X-istmas and will be celebrated every day from then onward.

Many SubGenii also celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Yalda, Yule, Kwanzaa, Solstice, etc.  In fact most SubGenii actively research on the internet to find NEW holidays they can start celebrating in an effort to book the entire "holiday period" completely full of Slack.  A holiday where you exchange gifts, eat feasts, and use a whole lot of glitter is not one to be ignored!

Although some fundamentalist loudmouths try to paint Christmas as a Christian holiday being attacked by secularism, this is in fact simply a misunderstanding.  Nobody is trying to change Christian Christmas at all.  That's a religious holiday with traditions and meanings laid out by various Christian churches, and it's nobody's business but theirs what it means to them.  However, Christmas is more than just a Christian holiday.

Christmas is a secular United States federal holiday that just happens to take place on the same day as the Christian holiday of the same name.  The United States federal holiday is open to be enjoyed by anyone, regardless of religion, and the traditional meaning of this day is that it is when businesses close, workers exchange gifts, and the sum of the value of the gifts is tallied up so we can determine whether or not it was a good year for the economy.  It is also traditionally a time when Coca-Cola releases special advertisements, and networks play certain culturally revered animations.

Secular Christmas is awesome!  Happy Gift Man Santa brings presents overnight! A boring old pine tree, inexplicably brought into the house, is transformed into a glittering object of wonderment, and then overnight a bare patch of floor becomes a treasure trove of glorious new prizes!  Some random guy came in and gave you all this stuff just because you were good all year!

These secular festivities are every bit as worthy of respect as their religious counterparts.  They inspire us to dream and encourage us to plan to delight others.  The Christmas surprise lets us experience the natural miracle of transcendence that some see in a crucifix, but others see even in the chrysalis of a butterfly.  Sudden, amazing, wonderful changes that you could never predict happen all the time in this world, and Secular Christmas reminds us of that.  Merry Christmas!


  1. Since it is a celebration shouldn't it be X-istlessnessmessMAS?

  2. "A holiday where you exchange gifts, eat feasts, and use a whole lot of glitter is not one to be ignored!"

    You have summed it up well!!

  3. The bitchin'ness of this is boundless. I used to wheeze and complain about Xmas, missing out on all the ridiculous fun. Now, I don't give a rat's patoot about reeligeeon. This year I got booze and noisemakers and explosives and celebrated some deal from India called Dawali, or some such. It was a blast. There were lights, and loud noises and a parade and I woke up naked in the gutter with my car keys up my ass. Excellent.