Ask Magdalen: Zombie Eschaton?

[Note: Because of a court order preventing me from actually possessing any SubGenius books, all my "Ask Magdalen" pronouncements will be strictly from memory and whatever I turn up on a web search, but do not be alarmed; the Doctrine of Erasibility ensures that however flawed these pronouncements may be, you can be sure they are official doctrine according to a SubGenius Reverend.]

I recently received the following question via email, concerning the Eschaton, or "end of the world" which many students of Forbidden Science avidly study and speculate on:

As the world appears to be at the beginning of it's ultimate collapse, many are speculating on what will finally do us in. Nuclear destruction, Financial Collapse, Super Viruses, Global Warming, 2012... the list seems almost endless. It occurs to me that all these apocalyptic diversions are simply avoiding the only real threat to the end of civilization. Of course I'm referring to the Zombie Apocalypse.

With the advances in Stem Cell research including reanimating dead tissues, DNA synthesis, as well as countless other areas of study we are quickly approaching the end-of-days. So my question is not what, or even when, but HOW. How will the rising/animation of the dead finally occur? Science, Brain Parasite, Alien Virus? What areas should we be looking at and can it be prevented or maybe just postponed?

Boomstick at the ready,

Bill

Dear Bill,

Although this is not strictly the type of question this blog section was meant to answer, which is ethical dilemmas in daily life, zombie preparedness is so important that I definitely think it's worthwhile to address the issue.

The grim answer is that no one knows HOW or WHEN the Zombie Apocalypse will come.  It might not even be within our lifetimes, if we're lucky.  However the sobering facts are that it could occur at any time, especially since we have no way of knowing what research is being conducted at any secret labs on the dark side of the moon.  Therefore, it's best to stay prepared at all times.

Here are a few handy tips to help you stay safe and Slackful during the coming Zombie Apocalypse:

• STAY INFORMED!  The internet has created numerous ways to stay on top of the latest zombie information.  Even The Science Channel has put together an informative blog post about the subject, detailing mathematical projections for zombie infestation and strategies for preparedness. 

• STOCK UP! Remember, almost all zombies fear fire.  Make sure you have plenty of cloth rags, sturdy wooden poles of various lengths, and flammable liquids always at the ready.  It may be best to choose high-proof liquor as your preferred zombie-fighting flammable liquid because it can also be used to sterilize wounds.  

 

• HAVE A BACKUP PLAN!  No matter how many pieces of furniture you stack up against the doors, there's always a chance the zombies will find a way inside your safehouse, so have an escape route and meetup point planned in advance, and drill regularly.  Be ready to light up a torch, brace yourself, and run like hell for safety.  Remember, in most cases you CAN outrun a zombie, you just have to avoid their clutches!

So there you go, Bill, just follow these handy steps and you can rest assured you'll be one of the survivors staggering out of the wreckage of the Zombie Apocalypse.