Monday, November 23, 2009

Ask Magdalen: Facebook FaceDouble?

[Note: Because of a court order preventing me from actually possessing any SubGenius books, all my "Ask Magdalen" pronouncements will be strictly from memory and whatever I turn up on a web search, but do not be alarmed; the Doctrine of Erasibility ensures that however flawed these pronouncements may be, you can be sure they are official doctrine according to a SubGenius Reverend.]

It has come to my attention that there is a popular new Facebook app called FaceDouble, which matches a user's photo to a database of celebrity photos, to find look-alikes.  I have heard rumors that other apps soon will have the power to do this over a database of all public photos, allowing users to find their doppelgangers all over the world.

Naturally, as scholars of Forbidden Science this presents a number of interesting questions, but as a matter of scriptural guidance we must first ask, is it RIGHT for a SubGenius to use this application?  Naturally any SubGenius CAN use it, and they of course have a Divine All-Inclusive Excuse if it turns out to be wrong, but the question remains: is there any Dobbsian reason why a SubGenius should not submit itself to having its image scanned and compared with thousands of other photos?

I will leave it to others to discuss the possible effects on the Nental Ife of the user from such scanning and contrasting by artificial intelligences, because the much more important SubGenius doctrine is that of: "If any two are the same, ONE MUST GO!"  This technology will potentially lead to SubGenii finding out they are doppelgangers of each other, causing an inevitable conflict.

Although official Scripture does not spell out exactly what methods should be used to achieve the goal of getting rid of one of the offending samesters, wise SlackMasters have spoken on this topic at length.  Most of these types of differences can be solved easily by simply encouraging one or the other to change.  Usually at least one has always wanted an excuse to get a nose ring, and name disputes can often be solved by adding locations to titles, such as "Pope of NORTH England."

However, with this new technology, it could turn out that neither SubGenius is willing to substantially alter their face to keep the peace.  In that case, the generally accepted method of dispute resolution is Thunderdome.  As current law, insurance regulation, and lack of funds have prevented the actual building of a Thunderdome for this purpose, many such disputes are currently "on hold" waiting to be resolved in the event of Thunderdome availability.

Although this situation does not actually impose any burden on the individuals involved, it can be a worry that leads to loss of precious Slack, and therefore, my ruling on this matter is that it is best for SubGenii to not use this new app, for if they are not AWARE of the others who are blasphemously similar to themselves, they will not need to waste time worrying about it, and thus can devote more time to Slack.

Now if you use it, you can be sure you are enjoying a GUILTY pleasure!  Possibly DANGEROUS too!  Praise "Bob"!


  1. Hmm… typical Rewardian response and as a SubGenius Reverend myself I evoke my Dobbs given Right to espouse that you are completely and eternally WRONG.

    A true SubGenius should do exactly the opposite of what you suggest and sign up for this app IMMEDIATELY! Sure it will be handing over your facial rec dimensions to the Con so they can put it into their global database which will eventually be used to round up and incarcerate all of Dobbs’ children; but until the time the pinks can get their act together a true SubGenius has no choice but to put all it’s time and effort into tracking down each and every Yetisyn or hue-man that bears any resemblance to itself and mercilessly hunt it down and KILL it!

    Not only did you make a mistake in your advice but you dared MISQUOTE the word of Dobbs. His TRUE doctrine reads… "If any two are the same, ONE MUST DIE!" a subtle but important mistake. So my advice to you is go ahead and kick back -- smoke another bowl hippie, while your evil twin plots YOUR death.

    It’s either you or him Gandhi, and it’s obvious to me who is going to be surfing the luck- plane while you capitulate to an early grave. For me, I can’t wait to see which unfortunate souls bears even the slightest resemblance to me. Because rest-assured I’m here to do 2 things…. and I’m all out of bubblegum. If there’s 4 or 40 doppelgangers out there take close note… There can be only one!

    Love Jesus

  2. @Anonymous/Jesus Yeah well since you had to borrow MY COMPUTER to troll my blog after losing YET ANOTHER of your own in a mysterious accident, I don't think your doppelganger has anything to worry about. He is probably just as Slack as you! Get your own blog, fascist Emergentile!